


You Say

by Rhapsody0607



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Queertical Role
Genre: Asexual Character, F/F, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 09:34:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19082320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhapsody0607/pseuds/Rhapsody0607
Summary: “You want me to tie you up?” Ryleigh repeats, still feeling a little uneasy. “But why? Are you bored in the bedroom?”Rukiya smiles softly at Ryleigh and brings Ryleigh’s hand to her lips. “No, I’m not bored. I just thought it’d be fun… it’s sexy knowing that my pleasure would be completely in your hands. That I’d be at your mercy.” The statement is said playfully, punctuated by an eyebrow quirk and a sly grin.ORRyleigh has trust issues, but Rukiya made wanting to trust so damn easy. In trusting Rukiya, Ryleigh learns to trust herself... which results in, what she believes, is the ultimate trust exercise.





	You Say

**Author's Note:**

> Rukiya is a dark skinned half elf woman, with warm brown eyes and dark brown hair.  
> Ryleigh is a pale skinned human woman, with striking violet eyes and blonde hair.

Trust. It’s something she struggles with, something that’s eluded her since she lost her family. Yes, she trusted Olivia to teach her, to train her. She trusted the other Astens to have her back when a fight broke out, and the other Whispers to keep their mouths shut. But she never trusted any of them enough to share her past, or her pain.

 

Ryleigh believed her trust issue would get worse when she came to Vyon. She struggled to find her place, not just among the Astens there but also in Whispers. She knew what her duties were with both organizations, but that doesn’t mean she felt comfortable among the new people, or that she felt like she belonged. Riverrun was the largest city on the continent, which meant many of her colleagues were probably heroes and she was - well, she wasn’t certain what she was, but she often felt that she wasn’t one of them.

 

Of course, this feeling wasn’t new to her. She hadn’t properly fit in anywhere since she lost her family, but she was making strides with Olivia and the others at the Asten temple in Manavik. 

 

That all ended when she failed the people of Myrka, and honestly, she never thought she’d belong anywhere, or that she’d ever trust anyone again… or ever have the trust of anyone. 

 

Then she met Rukiya. 

 

After meeting her, Ryleigh became increasingly frustrated because when she thought about what it was to be trusting, to have trust in someone else, or the qualities that predispose someone towards trusting, she possessed all of them. She simply couldn’tt make the leap to trust itself. It was like she was missing the ability to take that leap of faith. 

 

But faith was something she did have, both in the religious sense and in people as a whole. She had faith that someday, things would be better. Faith that if people only tried harder, they would all be capable of doing better, of being good and moreover, being good to one another. She had faith that what she was doing at any given moment was the right thing, and that she could and would make a difference in the world - but trust?  It eluded her. 

 

Rukiya, however, made wanting to trust so damn easy.

 

Looking back, Ryleigh’s not sure when she started to trust her, but somehow, over the last two years, trusting Rukiya went from being a distant possibility to something she did without thinking. And now she can’t imagine a world where she doesn’t trust her, but when did it happen?

 

\---

 

Maybe it started when they were paired together by Berolt. He assigned them to work with one another - sparring in particular. Ryleigh was skeptical at the arrangement, but Rukiya seemed optimistic. The two of them were so different, she didn’t see how they’d work. Their approaches to combat were fundamentally dissimilar, but Ryleigh learned after a few days that their underlying philosophies were the same - they both wanted to help people, and make a difference. 

 

One day, they’re in the common area after training. A group of them had decided to go for drinks, and Rukiya rested her hand on Ryleigh’s shoulder as she asked her to come along. Ryleigh froze up at Rukiya’s touch. It was a violation of her usual boundaries and it shouldn’t have generated trust. It  _ should _ have done the opposite, but then Rukiya immediately noticed her discomfort, and removed her hand. She tactfully didn’t draw attention to it with the others around, and lowered her voice when she asked again if Ryleigh wanted to go with them.

 

She didn’t repeat the action over the next several weeks, even when she did with other people. Most importantly, she took Ryleigh’s discomfort into account without prying or interrogating her about why she reacted to things a certain way. From then on, Ryleigh made sure to file away the things she said or did that made Rukiya’s smile go tight and decided to avoid those topics until she was ready to share. 

 

\---

 

Maybe it started when Rukiya was interacting with the rest of the Whispers team. It became apparent to Ryleigh quickly that Rukiya treated all of them with care, that she went out of her way to ensure that she had a good relationship with all who serve alongside her, and to be conscious of their unique preferences. Ryleigh's not sure why, but there are certain things Rukiya reserved just for her, and she wasn’t sure if it made her uncomfortable or not. 

 

She rarely wanted to be the subject of others’ attention, and in truth, she would rather people not pry into her life - but she realized that Rukiya taking an interest in her wasn't an uncomfortable thing at all, it was actually something Ryleigh learned to like. And she found herself paying special attention to Rukiya too, going out of her way to sit beside her in meetings, and to spend time with her outside of working hours. And why not? They were friends by then. 

 

\---

 

Maybe it was on the anniversary of the Myrka massacre. Unable to sleep, Ryleigh found herself in the training room. She had no idea how long she’d been there before Rukiya showed up, asking if she wanted to talk about whatever was bothering her. She didn’t, so they went out for food instead. Rukiya didn’t push or pressure her, and when their hands unintentionally brush as they walked, it grounded Ryleigh in a way she couldn’t explain, causing her to panic and flee. 

 

She went to Thormyr’s, a local fighting ring in Riverrun. Ryleigh knew from an early age that when your body hurts, or you’re physically exhausted, it’s hard to think of anything else. Thormyr gave her two fights that afternoon, and she took a beating, but won both her matches. It wasn’t about winning though, it was about punishing herself. When she left the ring, Ryleigh nearly collapsed and the only reason she didn’t was because lithe arms caught her. It was Rukiya; she had followed Ryleigh when she fled. They had a conversation about why Ryleigh did this to herself, about how  _ she _ killed those people in Myrka. 

 

Rukiya listened as Ryleigh explained what happened that day in Myrka, and instead of being repulsed, she took Ryleigh’s hands and told her she wasn’t a bad person. It shocked her. Rukiya explained that she was probably under the control of someone else, and that… she’d be there when Ryleigh was ready to talk, or cry, or be held. Looking back, this was the first time she trusted someone with what happened. It was progression. She’d trusted Rukiya, but she wasn’t ready to share her pain, or to be vulnerable in front of her.

 

\---

 

Maybe it was when Berolt sent Rukiya to Bellbury on an assignment. Ryleigh found herself in the training room more often while Rukiya was gone. It cleared her mind of worry, and she grew more worried as the days passed. The mission was only supposed to take a few days, and more than a week later, Rukiya still hadn’t come home. Berolt must have been worried too, because he finally sent Ryleigh to investigate the odd rumors surrounding the issues in Bellbury, and to find Rukiya.

 

When Ryleigh arrived the town was nearly deserted. No farmers in the fields. No carts on the roads but the one she arrived in. It was even stranger as she reached the town square. A town that size should have dozens of people in the square, but it was nearly vacant, except for a drunk who had passed out against a nearby building. Ryleigh’s worry deepened. Something terrible must have happened here. She stopped in the local tavern and met a motley crew of travelers. After asking a few tactful questions, she discovered that people were being randomly teleported in and out of the town by magic. Rukiya might be gone, teleported somewhere away from Vyon. Ryleigh quickly left the inn and headed towards the city’s slums. It didn’t take her long to find Rukiya, and relief washed over her at the sight of her friend. 

 

“Thank Asten, you’re all right. I thought you had vanished with the rest of the townspeople,” Ryleigh had said, clearly comforted by Rukiya’s presence.

 

“They were gone when I got here,” Rukiya answered, dusting off her pants and casually leaning against the wall of the house. “It's a lot harder to find out about things when there's nobody to talk to.”

 

Ryleigh hesitantly took a few steps forward, feeling overwhelmed with the need to make sure Rukiya was there and okay. “So you’re okay?”

 

“Yeah, why? Did they send you to check up on me? How sweet.” Her tone was teasing and it made Ryleigh grin. 

 

“I know that you don't need anyone to check up on you, but I was… I mean,  _ we _ were worried for your safety... especially with all the rumors surrounding this place, and the mission taking longer than expected.” Ryleigh felt her cheeks warm the longer she spoke, the anxiety of losing her closest friend really hitting her. It would have shattered everything she’s worked to build with Rukiya. 

 

Rukiya pushed off the wall and walked right into Ryleigh’s arms. “I’m okay, Ryleigh. Really.” She remembers the enormous relief she felt when Rukiya hugged her; it was in stark contrast to the first time Rukiya had touched her, and… it was nice.

 

Things certainly changed after that. 

 

\---

 

Maybe the real change occurred when Rukiya almost died on a mission. She had come to help Ryleigh and the others clear out some orcs from a local stronghold. A magic wielding orc was giving the group some trouble, so Rukiya found a way around the orc and successfully stabbed it, breaking their concentration. It was a great distraction, but it cost her. The orc, in a furious rage, struck her down in a single blow, and for one terrible moment, Ryleigh thought Rukiya was dead. Something came over her - a vicious anger that she hadn’t felt in years - it was blinding. Ryleigh screamed, and took the orc’s head clean off with her axe. 

 

It was jarring to see Rukiya crumpled on the floor, blood trickling from a cut in her hairline. Ryleigh felt her eyes sting with tears, her heart was pounding in her chest, but then she really focused and realized Rukiya was breathing… she was alive. Quickly falling to her knees, Ryleigh cupped Rukiya’s cheek and sang a soft song of healing. White light spread from Ryleigh’s hand into Rukiya, who’s brows furrowed as she gained consciousness. Rukiya blinked slowly up at Ryleigh, her brain putting things together. Covering Ryleigh’s hand with hers, Rukiya smiled up at her, softly muttering that she knew Ryleigh would keep her safe. 

 

Rukiya’s snark and smirk slid easily back into place with the others around, but Ryleigh could hear the small shake in her voice, could see the slowness of her movements, she was more hurt than she was letting on. Ryleigh didn’t get a lot of time to unpack her feelings around Rukiya’s near-death experience, because Urrak chose to kiss her a few minutes later. Feeling angry and hurt by Urrak’s actions, Ryleigh asked for Rukiya’s help. Rukiya pulled her away before things escalated. Once they arrived back in town, the threat of immediate danger no longer surrounding them, Ryleigh found herself spiraling into a panic attack about what happened. She literally tumbled into the home Rukiya had been bunked up in, and fell right into Rukiya’s arms. What she remembers the most is a cool hand on her forehead, and swift fingers finding the clasps and buckles of her breastplate, helping to pull it off, and a soft, concerned voice.

 

“Breathe, Ry. You're ok. Just breathe.”

 

Ryleigh’s eyes were filled with tears, her chest tight and her breathing labored. She managed to choke out, “I can’t.”

 

Rukiya squeezed Ryleigh's hand tight, but not enough to hurt, just enough to make her feel it, and maneuvered around in front of her to catch her eye. “Hey, look at me, Ryleigh. You're safe. Nothing's going to hurt you here. Breathe with me. In... out...”

 

It took several minutes of breathing in sync with Rukiya for Ryleigh to calm down, several more for her to find her voice. She remembers gentle fingers brushing a bit of hair from her face, Rukiya clearly unsure how much touching was ok. 

 

Then Rukiya asked, “What do you need, Ry? Can I hug you?”

 

Instead of answering Ryleigh fell into Rukiya's arms. It had been so long since she'd sought out physical comfort that she was shaken by how much she needed it, by how much she wanted it, and the tears finally came.

 

Rukiya held her and alternated between rubbing her back and running her hand over the back of Ryleigh's head. She just kept repeating, “It's ok... you're ok... let it out... I've got you…” 

 

It was the first time she had been vulnerable in front of someone in years. 

 

\---

 

Maybe it happened when Ryleigh finally admitted her attraction to Rukiya. She always knew Rukiya was attractive, but something shifted in how Ryleigh looked at her. Ryleigh found herself wanting something more than what they already had. She wanted to kiss Rukiya… and the thought hit her hard. They had a conversation about it and exchanged their first kiss. 

 

Eventually, Rukiya expressed that she  _ wanted _ Ryleigh, that she wasn’t just one of the people she’d bring back to her room from the bar, but that she didn’t know if she was ready for the level of transparency that comes with a relationship. This led to Ryleigh expressing why she loved Rukiya. 

 

“I told you last night that I didn't have to know or understand your reasonings for keeping your past a secret to care for you, and I meant it. I don't love you because of where you're from or who you were, but for who you are now. I love you because you're kind, because you're funny, because you don't allow me to wallow in guilt. It's you… it's always been you… I just didn't see it until now. You're my best friend… and the first person I've felt comfortable with since I lost my family.” Ryleigh bit her lip in worry, then said, “I want us to be together, but if that's something that can't happen right now… I'll understand, and Rukiya, I'll still be your best friend.”

 

She could see the smile on Rukiya’s lips as the confession left her own. “It should be illegal to be this charming.” 

 

“I’ve never been big on laws anyway,” Ryleigh had said with a smirk.

 

Rukiya laughed, and then her face softened to a smile. “I want to be with you too... and we both have our boundaries. We'll just have to learn what they are together.” She tilted her head a little and grinned. “Are you ready to teach me?”

 

That night they explored their relationship, and Ryleigh’s boundaries. She had many of them. This type of intimacy was new to her, but it wasn’t new to Rukiya, who was patient and understanding the entire time. At one point, Ryleigh surrendered to the feeling in her chest, to Rukiya’s touch and to her lips. She was overwhelmed by her emotions and the sensations her body was experiencing, so much that she cried. Rukiya held her and they talked about it.

 

\---

 

Actually, it started when Rukiya finally trusted her with who she was. When she finally met Ryleigh in the middle and they mutually trusted each other. Rukiya was reluctant to tell her, and Ryleigh understood why - it is still the biggest secret she’s ever uncovered, the biggest secret she’s ever held. It’s the type of secret that has the capacity to change a country, and yet, she still asked… because this was Rukiya. This woman would hold onto the secret even if it destroyed her - even if it destroyed them - and Ryleigh wasn’t going to let that happen. 

 

“I told you once before that there was nothing you could tell me that would make me love you less,” Ryleigh said softly.

 

“You don't know that,” Rukiya whispered, like she was afraid of the truth in the statement. “You don't know what you're asking me, Ryleigh. Please…”

 

Ryleigh withdrew the dagger from her hair and placed the hilt in Rukiya’s hand. “Yes, I do know what I’m asking of you.” She moved the point of the dagger to the spot over her heart and said, “Rukiya, I’d rather die by your hand, right here with this knowledge, than live a long life with you continuing to carry this weight alone.” Ryleigh dropped her hands, her eyes never leaving Rukiya’s. “If I’m unworthy to share this burden with you, then end it - right here, right now. Because I love you too much to let you suffer alone, and I know who you are.”

 

As soon as Ryleigh's hands left hers, Rukiya immediately lowered the dagger and set it aside. She looked a bit lost, like she wasn’t sure what to do or think, and there was an echo of what might have been regret in the wrinkle of her brow. She was silent for a moment, and Ryleigh waited patiently, fidgeting with her fingers nervously - awaiting Rukiya’s decision.

 

Rukiya was teary-eyed when she spoke again. “I was a fool to think I could have both. It was safer to resist attachments... to not let anyone close enough to learn my secret.”

 

They talked about Ryleigh’s suspicions about Rukiya’s past, and she’s right. Rukiya was Prince Badru, the crown prince of Vyon who was murdered on the road between Vydenia and Riverrun before his 18th birthday. 

 

“Please don’t make me choose between you and Vyon,” Rukiya murmured, and her tone - the loneliness, the worry - had Ryleigh moving into action. 

 

She hummed a melancholy tune, casting a circle of truth around them. Then she kneeled, taking Rukiya's hands in hers and swore, “By Asten, I will be faithful and true to you, and love all that you love. I cannot shun that which you shun, for I believe we will differ there, but I will, according to Asten's law, and according to my own principles, never, by will or by force, by word or by work, bring you harm. I pledge this to you, until my body is broken, the breath leaves my lungs, and even if you see it fit to release me from this oath.”

 

Rukiya fell into Ryleigh’s arms, questioning why she’d swear fealty without knowing everything. It was a simple choice for Ryleigh… she loved Rukiya, and maybe she was blinded by it, but she just  _ knew _ this was the right decision.

 

\--- 

 

Perhaps it doesn't matter at what point Ryleigh knew she fully trusted Rukiya. What matters, instead, is that somehow Rukiya found her way into Ryleigh’s life. Ryleigh no longer thinks twice about relying upon her, is not at all hesitant to confide in her, and no longer worries about being incapable of trusting others, even though it’s slow moving to trust them.

 

Perhaps it doesn't matter because, these days, they are both open and honest with one another in a way that Ryleigh has never been with anyone else in her life. There have been people she's confided in over the years, but never fully; always, she held something of herself back - for fear of rejection, for fear that if anyone truly knew her they wouldn't want her around. She knows for certain that with Rukiya, she won't be found wanting, and will always be wanted.

 

Perhaps it doesn't matter, for now, Ryleigh understands her lack of trust better than she did. It's not other people that Ryleigh doesn't trust, it never has been. It's that she doesn't trust herself.  Now, she doesn't fear being betrayed, or that the people she cares about will leave her. What she fears is that when, inevitably, something comes to pass, and they die or are taken from her by some other means, she will not be able to cope with the loss. For, in her life, that's always how it's happened- first with the death of Kizer, then Clemency was taken, and then later again with Avery’s execution, and there’s always the threat of those she cares falling in battle. She fears that this time, she won't be able to survive finding herself suddenly alone. So she struggles with her own self-doubt, struggles with the fear of what will happen to her should something happen to them.

 

This revelation is simultaneously reliving and deeply troubling. 

 

She feels relieved, because she's capable of trust. The troubling part is that she thought she was incapable of having faith in others. To doubt herself or her own abilities is one thing, but how could she be so dismissive of other people? It stands at odds with her belief in the goodness of others, and her idealism. 

 

Fear of loss… that’s where these trust issues came from, and isn’t she just as likely to lose Rukiya? She isn’t reckless, but her job  _ is _ dangerous. Despite this fear, Ryleigh’s decided to trust Rukiya, and it’s not because she holds any illusions about Rukiya not being killed, or that she won't be arrested for trespassing, or otherwise lose her. Ryleigh may be many things, but she's not stupid, and isn't capable of living so deeply in denial, even if it might make her happier. No, there's another reason why. She knows it's possible, if not likely, that she will lose Rukiya at some point. That she will have willingly come to love her, and to trust her, only to be left more alone than before.

 

Simply put, she’s decided that being with Rukiya is worth the risk.

 

Every day, Ryleigh trusts Rukiya in her own way. Telling Rukiya that she loves her is an act of trust. Falling asleep beside her is an act of trust. Knowing that she can be honest about her conflicting feelings on religion, and the monarchy, is an act of trust. She trusts Rukiya in so many ways, and she knows Rukiya realizes that she's doing so. 

 

She trusts Rukiya enough to say yes to her, and enough to say no, too, without fear of repercussion or misinterpretation, and she trusts that her girlfriend - her partner - feels equally able to do the same. So when Rukiya asks her to do something she’s not entirely comfortable with, she immediately thinks  _ no way _ , but then… they talk about it. 

 

“We don’t have to try it, Ry,” Rukiya says, her thumb lightly tracing over the back of Ryleigh’s hand. “It was just a suggestion, nothing more.” She probably senses Ryleigh’s trepidation.

 

“You want me to tie you up?” Ryleigh repeats, still feeling a little uneasy. “But why? Are you bored in the bedroom?”

 

Rukiya smiles softly at Ryleigh and brings Ryleigh’s hand to her lips. “No, I’m not bored. I just thought it’d be fun… it’s sexy knowing that my pleasure would be completely in your hands. That I’d be at your mercy.” The statement is said playfully, punctuated by an eyebrow quirk and a sly grin.

 

Ryleigh stays quiet for a long time. She lets the scene unfold in her mind, and it still makes her uncomfortable. Maybe her discomfort isn’t about tying Rukiya up… maybe the problem is  _ her. _ She doesn’t have to imagine being bound, or being that helpless in front of someone - she’s been there before. 

 

“I trust you, Ry,” Rukiya says softly, drawing Ryleigh out of her thoughts before they can spiral out of control. “If this isn’t something you want to do, we won’t do it. It’s that simple, okay? There’s no pressure, and you know I’m with you, no matter what.”

 

After some time, Ryleigh warms up to the idea and they try it. Unsurprisingly, Rukiya’s right - it’s sexy. Ryleigh enjoyed pushing Rukiya to edge and denying her what she wanted, only to give in once she’d decided Rukiya couldn’t take the teasing anymore. Even though they talked about each others boundaries, expectations, and safe words, it takes several weeks for Ryleigh to realize exactly how much trust Rukiya must have had in her. 

 

It’s then that Ryleigh wonders if she wants to try it, and not because it's something that she finds particularly fascinating, but because the more she thinks about it, the more she's come to see the trust the act implies and symbolizes. She wants to try it, at least once. Even if she doesn't like it, she wants Rukiya to know that she trusts her enough to attempt it. She also finds herself admitting privately that it might- maybe- be fun, be freeing, to give up all control to another person, even if she doubts it will ever be a regular occurrence.

 

\---

 

One night after they’ve had dinner, and they’re cleaning the kitchen, Ryleigh finds the courage to approach the topic. 

 

“Rukiya?” She asks, and Rukiya hums in response, acknowledging Ryleigh while putting away a dish. “Would… would you ever want to… to try the thing we did, but with me?” 

 

_ Smooth. _

 

Rukiya quirks an eyebrow, a grin slowly spreading across her face as she steps into Ryleigh’s space. Her arms loosely wrap around Ryleigh’s waist, and she tilts her head in question. “Which thing are you referring to, Ry?”

 

Ryleigh swallows, her throat bobbing. “How would you feel about… tying me up?” She can’t bring herself to look at Rukiya, but she can feel her cheeks warm in embarrassment. 

 

“Look at me,” Rukiya softly commands, and Ryleigh does look at her. Cupping Ryleigh’s cheek, Rukiya pushes up on her toes and presses a kiss to her lips. “If that’s something  _ you _ want, then I’ll oblige, but you know I never expected to try it the other way around.”

 

“I know.” Ryleigh sighs, but determinedly says, “I know, and I want to.”  _ I need to trust you to do this. _

 

Rukiya’s brows furrow at the admission, and Ryleigh knows she’s hesitant to agree because Rukiya can feel Ryleigh’s trepidation, but they discuss it anyway. They talk about Ryleigh’s expectations in terms of ties, of duration, of the acts performed. Rukiya insists they wait a few days. First, to make sure this is what Ryleigh really wants, and second, to ensure she’s okay with the parameters they set.

 

Despite the multiple conversations and the mandatory few days of wait time, Ryleigh is still determined she wants to try this. So here she is with Rukiya kneeling above her, tying her hands - loosely - to the headboard. With her hands secured, Ryleigh suddenly feels anxious, and she knows she can’t hide her emotions from Rukiya. 

 

“Ry, if you want to stop at any point-”

 

“I know,” Ryleigh cuts her off. She knows that she's safe, and she tries to lean up to kiss Rukiya, but tied like she is, she can't. Instead, she says, “Don’t worry.” And if she's being honest... she doesn't know if she's trying to reassure Rukiya or herself.

 

“I’m just saying I won’t be disappointed,” Rukiya says, and it makes Ryleigh smile. She believes her, because Rukiya is the sort of person who's almost impossible to disappoint.

 

It’s one of the many reasons they fit so well together. With Rukiya, Ryleigh doesn't need to worry about her slowness to trust, her trepidation about attempting new things, or the areas in which she finds herself inexperienced, or out of her depth. None of it has disappointed Rukiya, and it seems unlikely that it ever will.

 

“Don’t worry,” Ryleigh says  _ again _ , “I’m not,” as if saying it will make it so, but when Rukiya bends to kiss her lips, a good deal of the tension leaves her body.

 

Rukiya trails slow, meaningful kisses down her neck, nipping lightly at the sensitive skin under Ryleigh's jaw, and again at her clavicle. Ryleigh shivers in response, and there's the slightest tug at her wrists when she does so - a reminder of what they're doing tonight - she fights off the anxiety. Rukiya’s lips trail lower, across her chest and down her stomach; Ryleigh can’t help the breathy sigh that pushes past her lips. She can feel Rukiya smile against the skin of her hip at the response, which draws her attention. Her eyes meet warm brown ones, but Ryleigh can’t do much more than watch Rukiya’s tongue dart out to sooth the mark she just left on her pale skin. 

 

From there, Ryleigh thinks Rukiya’s next destination is obvious. Then Rukiya surprises her, smirking up at Ryleigh and completely bypassing between her legs. It makes Ryleigh bite her lip in frustration, and Rukiya just grins as she presses a kiss to Ryleigh’s knee before steadily moving down her calf. 

 

Ryleigh’s always had the impression that before her, Rukiya wasn't the sort of woman who wasted much time on foreplay, preferring instead to bring her partner more direct pleasure, immediately and repeatedly. As they both found out though, Ryleigh required a bit more attention before she's ready. So, Rukiya teases and builds slowly towards her end goal, giving Ryleigh more than enough time to adjust. 

 

As Rukiya’s kisses continue to trail down her calf, Ryleigh tries and fails to put a name to her emotions in the moment.  _ Complicated _ , she decides,  _ they are complicated. _

 

Rukiya binds each of her ankles separately, the left and then the right, leaving her firmly affixed to the bed, legs open and unable to move. The position feels vulnerable - because it is - and the feeling hits Ryleigh all at once. It totally overwhelms her.

 

“Wait,” Ryleigh says, before Rukiya can resume touching her. 

 

“Do you need me to untie you?” Rukiya quickly asks, but she doesn't move to do so, she's still listening to Ryleigh’s request that she wait, and it's clear from her tone that she's ready to untie Ryleigh, if need be.

 

“No,” Ryleigh says, unable to keep the panic from her voice. “No I just - I need a moment.”  

 

She closes her eyes. It's easier, because she can't see herself, can't see how vulnerable she is in the moment, can't imagine what it would be to look down upon herself and to see that she's helpless like this. What she wanted was to give over control, to demonstrate her trust in Rukiya, but she didn't want her lover to think her helpless, to see her like this, and she doesn't, she can't—

 

“Close your eyes, please,” Ryleigh says. Maybe if Rukiya can't see her, then it'll give her the chance to adjust, to feel less out of place and more in control of herself. She doesn't want Rukiya to see her like this, having a near panic attack by something she suggested herself.

 

Rukiya does as she asks, and closes her eyes. Ryleigh knows she does, because after a minute of allowing herself to adjust, to truly take stock of how she's feeling, and consider whether or not she is able to proceed, she opens her eyes. Rukiya is still kneeling in precisely the same position she was when Ryleigh told her to wait, with her eyes closed. Seeing that helps more than anything else. She might be giving over control, but she also knows that Rukiya won't do anything that she doesn't want. She'll let her make decisions in this when she feels she needs to. It’s that safety that makes her decide she can continue. 

 

“Alright,” Ryleigh says softly, “I’m ready.”

 

Rukiya's eyes open. “You're sure?” she asks, still not moving. “Because we can stop here, Ry. We can work our way up to doing a whole thing.”

 

“I’m certain.” And Ryleigh means it, because she  _ is _ certain that she wants this, even if she's still feeling confused by her own response. Now that the moment has passed, her reaction seems irrational. She's fine to continue, really. She wants this, and everything will be fine because surely wanting is enough.

 

“Okay,” Rukiya answers, moving between Ryleigh’s legs and trailing kisses up her thigh. “You’re beautiful, Ry.”

 

The tone of Rukiya’s voice makes Ryleigh believe her, and it makes her moment of worry feel even farther away than it did before. It occurs to her then that Rukiya didn't see the helplessness she felt. She instead saw the beauty, the strength, and the trust that so appealed to Ryleigh when she thought about doing this.

 

Well placed kisses to the sensitive skin on the inside of Ryleigh’s thigh help her return to her earlier point of arousal. It helps remind her of what they are here for, and before long she's wishing that Rukiya would stop teasing her.

 

When she makes the mistake of saying as much, Rukiya just smirks and draws out her teasing further, kissing back up Ryleigh’s stomach, blowing air against the spots where she presses wet kisses. It makes Ryleigh want to shove her off or squirm away, neither of which is a possibility in this moment, and it makes Rukiya giggle against her skin. Eventually, she's had enough of this teasing, and moves her mouth further upwards, bringing her lips to Ryleigh’s chest, to her throat, and finally to Ryleigh's own. 

 

All the while, one of Rukiya's fingers has been tracing teasing patterns on the inside of Ryleigh’s thigh, drawing shivers from Ryleigh and causing goosebumps to populate her skin, all while moving closer to where Ryleigh wants her, then suddenly, she's there and Ryleigh moans.

 

Even when Rukiya touches her it's maddeningly light, and Ryleigh knows its meant to tease rather than provide any actual stimulation. She attempts to convey her frustration by moving against Rukiya's hand, but in this position, there isn't a lot she can do. Rukiya must decide that she's had enough of teasing, and sits back so that Ryleigh can see her clearly. Grinning down at her, Rukiya quirks an eyebrow as she slides the digit that was teasing Ryleigh into her mouth. It's sexy. 

 

Rukiya hums as she withdraws her finger. "Tell me what you want Ryleigh, and I might let you have it."

 

Ryleigh recognizes that it's not only a statement, it’s Rukiya's way of asking for verbal confirmation, for permission to proceed. 

 

"I... I want you... to touch me," Ryleigh shakily says.

 

She'd asked for this - for their activities to be drawn out, so that she would truly experience what it was to want to be able to act herself, and be unable to. But Ryleigh quickly realizes after the words leave her mouth that... she's growing increasingly disenchanted with the idea of helplessness and surrender. This was far sexier in her fantasies.

 

Even when giving Ryleigh what she's asked for, Rukiya doesn't seem to be able to resist teasing, or drawing things out by slowly. Normally, Ryleigh might appreciate the time to adjust, but it's somehow harder to wait when she can't, for herself, decide to proceed. She's not usually this impatient, but it seems like the amount of time spent in waiting is longer than it should be.

 

A heartbeat.

 

Five.

 

Ten.

 

Twenty. 

 

This ought to be easier. Of the two of them, it's Rukiya who is less patient in the bedroom. Apparently, the particulars of this situation - with Rukiya holding all the power, is enough to reverse the usual dynamic. It's normally fine for Ryleigh to wait, or break at any moment, because then she's still in control, but this is different. She wanted this, and she tells herself she wants it still, but it’s harder than she expected to surrender herself, to give control over to another person, because it makes her realize how much she, in any other scenario, relies upon having that power for her own.

 

Rukiya dips her head, pressing her mouth to Ryleigh and drawing a moan from her. Some of Ryleigh’s worry melts away with the warmth of Rukiya’s mouth against her. She closes her eyes and attempts to enjoy what Rukiya’s giving her. Except she wants to take Rukiya’s hand in hers or touch her partner in some way, but she can’t, and it bothers her.

 

She didn't anticipate how beautiful Rukiya would look like this, with her expression both unmistakably aroused but also tender. She didn't anticipate wanting to act and being unable to do so, and not feeling that it was surrender, that it was her willingly giving herself, but instead feeling constrained. She didn't anticipate that she wouldn't be pleased by this turn of events.

 

Her fingers itch to touch Rukiya - her face, her body, any part of her that she can reach - and the inability to do so, to simply reach out and connect… Ryleigh doesn't know the words for it. At once she feels heady and lonely. Even like this, while she's so intimately connected to Rukiya, the space between them is vast. In this moment, she feels like no matter how much she gives of herself, and takes of Rukiya, they will never be one, will never truly be able to make one another whole, to collapse the distance between one another - not like this.

 

She wants - no, needs - to touch Rukiya, just for a moment. There's a disconnect between her mind and body, heightened by the moment, the arousal she feels in response to the stimulation growing but her mind is becoming ever more distant from the present.

 

This is not bringing them closer together, it's not the symbolic handing over of control that Ryleigh thought it'd be. It's instead another barrier Ryleigh is constructing between them, and maybe it could have been more, if she was different, if Ryleigh were more trusting, but she's not, and she isn't ready. This sounded lovely in her head. The idea that this might have been a bonding experience, that she might have dismissed all of her anxieties and once and for all made a show of trusting Rukiya in a more tangible way but - she can't. She can't... she can't do this. 

 

Whatever she intended, this isn't working, and if she could only touch Rukiya she might quell the anxiety rising within her but she can't, she just can't... but she can safeword. She never has before, but she can and before she even has time to think about it further, the word is falling from her mouth, and it's too late to take it back. A part of her wishes she could, but the rest of her, the part that is wiser and has a sense of self-preservation that outweighs eagerness to please and fear of abandonment doesn't allow her to do so.

 

She doesn't know what to expect. She knows that Rukiya will stop immediately, but she didn't know how she would feel after saying it. She ought to be relieved, ought to feel better about what's happening, because she's getting out of a situation she doesn’t want to be in. Instead she feels ashamed, embarrassed, and disappointed in herself. She's worried that she's let Rukiya down because she thought she could do this, could let herself trust Rukiya this way and-

 

“Can you tell me what you need?” Rukiya interrupts her thoughts, she doesn't sound angry or disappointed. In fact, she doesn't even sound concerned... she's using the sort of tone Ryleigh's only heard from her when she’s trying to solve a problem that has stumped her. It's a tone that conveys a slight detachment from the situation so she can take charge.

 

Ryleigh wants to cry. She's not sure if it's because Rukiya is taking her needs so seriously, and that in itself is a relief, or because she feels poorly for their evening ending this way. Perhaps it's a bit of both. She doesn't cry though, she doesn't let herself... because she knows it'll be a messy affair. She has never been a pretty crier, she's always been the sort to fall to pieces privately, her face a mess of tears with snot running from her nose and her body wracking with decidedly indelicate sobbing - and that will only make things more difficult. 

 

“Ryleigh,” Rukiya repeats, tapping her once sharply on the knee to draw her attention.

 

Right, she needs to answer. 

 

“Untie my hands?” She asks, her voice shaky and dangerously watery, but Rukiya doesn't comment on it. She doesn't say anything at all, she just moves to do what is asked, as quickly as possible. 

 

The untying is a quick affair, but it doesn't feel fast enough for Ryleigh. Throughout it Rukiya says nothing, and Ryleigh is left to contemplate how, in so many other circumstances, the view of Rukiya’s naked body leaning over her would be lovely, but now it's not scintillating. 

 

As soon as Ryleigh’s hands are freed, she moves to bury her face into the soft skin of Rukiya’s neck. As if by doing so she could remove all traces of the gap between them, as if this closeness could make amends for her inability to trust, her inability to become one with Rukiya more literally. Her movement is somewhat hindered by the fact that her feet are still restrained, and she knows, of course, that what she wants in the moment is unobtainable and knows, too, that oneness is not something to aspire to, and isn't something she wants under normal circumstances, but right now - just for now, she wants to feel close, wants to believe that when she inhales and smells only Rukiya it's because her girlfriend can truly surround her, can protect her, can take for herself that which Ryleigh was unable to give.

 

When she takes a breath in, the deep, shuddering sort that usually precedes a sob, she feels Rukiya stiffen in response, and worries for a moment, but then Rukiya takes a breath of her own, her body pressing into Ryleigh's as she inhales, before releasing her tension on a breath out.

 

“Can I touch you?” Rukiya asks, her voice gentler now.

 

Not wanting to risk crying if she speaks, Ryleigh nods into Rukiya's neck, and is immediately engulfed in Rukiya's warmth, her delicate fingers gentle threading into her hair, running through the strands over and over as Ryleigh calms.

 

“You okay?” Rukiya asks her, pulling back enough to cup her cheek.

 

“Mostly,” Ryleigh answers honestly.

 

“Mostly?” Rukiya is never satisfied with half measures.

 

“Could you help with my ankles?”

 

Rukiya is already moving towards the foot of the bed, she can see concern on Rukiya's features as she does. Ryleigh pointedly doesn't look as Rukiya unties her ankles and massages the joints. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Ryleigh says in a small voice.

 

Rukiya moves closer, her hand cupping Ryleigh’s cheek, gently forcing eye contact. “You have  _ nothing _ to be sorry for. Everyone reacts differently to things, Ry. You couldn’t have known it’d trigger you.”

 

“I… but I did know, I just… I ignored it, because you’re you and we’re us… and I just - I wanted to do this. For you and for me. And I didn’t want to disappoint you…” 

 

“Do I look disappointed?” Rukiya asks, her tone gentle.

 

“No.”

 

“Why did you want to do this so badly, Ry?” Rukiya looks genuinely worried. 

 

For the first time since she panicked… Ryleigh realizes exactly how rattled Rukiya must be too. How worrying it must have been for her to see Ryleigh go from fine to safewording in a few seconds - with no outward indication of what had happened. She hadn't had time to consider it yet but, if it were her, she doesn't know if she would have been able to stay as calm as Rukiya had.

 

“I wanted to show you how much I trusted you,” Ryleigh answers in a defeated, broken sigh.

 

“Oh Ryleigh,” Rukiya says, her voice tender. “I know you trust me. Despite you being scared about disappointing me, or how embarrassing this could all be, or that it’d seem like you didn’t trust me, you still felt safe enough and trusted me enough to use our safeword. And Ry, that  _ is _ trust.”

 

All this time, Ryleigh's been afraid she didn't trust Rukiya enough. She was afraid that all the small ways that she showed it were insufficient. She was afraid that she was unable to give the whole of herself, but the truth is this: she has trusted Rukiya all along. She began to trust Rukiya the day they met, and that trust has only grown with time.

 

The person Ryleigh hasn't trusted in is herself, her own judgement, her circumstances, her potential inability to cope with the grief of losing someone, if she lets them in. She didn't trust her ability to trust other people, and is struggling now to trust that she can show what trust she has developed.

 

She didn't need to make some show of attempting to give herself over to Rukiya. Her fear of losing control isn't distrust. It's not her doubting Rukiya’s intentions, or her ability to care for her, or to make decisions for the both of them. It is just that - a fear - and not one she has to conquer for the two of them to be happy together. Maybe she could work on it for herself, in her own time, but it was never a matter of trust at all.

 

It will be a longer journey to trusting in herself, in her ability to love other people wholly, to be happy, to have a good future, one in which she changes and grows, but with Rukiya by her side, she no longer worries about finding her place.

 

It's here, in Rukiya's arms and in her heart. 

  
  



End file.
